lonely_jew

I've decided I need to kill people. That is what I have to start doing, I sound really poetic when I kill people in my head.

There was this jackass that sat in my Math class today, mocking the teacher's accent for 90 min of a 2hr class. That, in case you don't know, is 3/4ths or 75% of the entirety of the class period. Only a handful of people we're laughing, but it got increasingly more obnoxious as time progressed. C>L+20 where C is the number of students and L is the amount of people laughing plus 20 just to show it was a small handful. On top of all this, when we had a break, the professor left the quizzes on the table next to the role sheet, leaving everyone to either A) Change their quiz score or B) Mark themselves as in attendance and then leave.

I wanted to shoot an incalculable amount of people today.

I've decided I would come up with a shit load of amazing things to kill people as they died such as "Remember this as hate-crime, because ignorance disgusts me." Which would work well in a large crowd of people. It isn't exactly what I was thinking at the time, but when I get pissed and violent my eloquence comes out in ten-fold.

Thus, I'm majoring in mafia when I declare, which I haven't done yet.

I want to not be in High School anymore, and I feel like I'm still there. This place is clearly full of idiots that need to be no-longer-living.

Fuck making peace, I'm ready to go to war.

On a side note relating to poetry, I've decided I'm only poetic when I'm violent (see above for details) or amused (view below) which has led me to believe I want to start writing again.

I was on the bus a few days ago, and I noticed some stuff that made me want to write something along the lines of "Bus Stop Politics" or some other shitty title. There are a lot of amusing characters and events that occur on a bus, its amusing in that "Fuck I can't believe I'm here" sort of way.


Meh. Until Next Time.

You know, things kinda turn around too fast when you're young to really matter. I think unhappiness is faked way too often for me to sit comfortably in my head. I've been causing myself quite a bit of unhappiness needlessly in the last few months, but now, I'm kind of enjoying the view. It's nice. Even with school being exhaustingly dull, I can handle the few moments of boredom. My friends are pretty amazing, you kind of look at who doesn't need pleasing, and who really truly is friendifiable and you give them the silent props they deserve.

On a side note I'm really tired so I don't think im very coherent right now.

I'm currently downloading Robot Chicken Season 1 and playing the Impossible Quiz while listening to Bright Eyes, 3 things I normally don't do.

I want school to be more exciting. The fact that I can pretty much pwnzorz everything without thinking is lame. I thought my college experience would be a bit more... collegiate. Wheres the challenge damn it. Motivate me!

Other than that. Things are nice. Macbook Pros are amazing by the way. They make the world a better place.


Peace out.

Well.. i havent been here in awhile.

Maybe cause my life has hit this realm of lull that is impossible to escape.

Wii
Puzzle Pirates
Ditching


Wow.. thats a long list of things to do for Senior Year.. how exciting.

I kinda wish i had the will to.. you know.. make something of my life. I think im resigned to giving up. Elco (/me throws up) will be better im sure. Less pressure and more time to just do shit.

I want something exciting to happen. I kinda hate who ive become.

Im pretty creepy now. Like really. I really hate it. It sorta blended into my personality and it makes it really uncomfortable for people around me. I feel uncomfortable just being alive.

Im pretty sure i need a girlfriend for this to go away. At this rate ill surpass juston and become like Eric, and thats just BAD news.

Why cant i get a girlfriend?

Easy Question. I like girls that dont like me. Erm.. Jessica Williams? What the fuck was/am i thinking. Shes way to emotionally uncomfortable for me.

What happened to Kimberly?

I basically realized were not friends anymore. Not so much that im over her as im actually getting over her. I dont really think about her anymore, and seeing her doesnt make me swoon anymore. Basically, im finally leaving that whole mess behind me. And when i say mess i mean fucked up shit. And when i mean fucked up shit, im referring to her emotional and physical well being.

Why cant I just turn my life around?

I dont know.. it just doesnt work for me. But thats how ive always been. I see what im doing wrong, and how i can fix it, i just choose not to do it.

Am I still depresssed?

Nah, my Wii cleared that up. Kinda funny how such a completely irrelevant thing changed my life. Sorta made things dissappear.


Fair Winds til.. i have another essay.

Im putting together something on my jism computer just cause im bored and wanna mess with Photoshop.... erm... yeah... i cant have private entries for any reason.. its against my policy..

So i decided to sit down and start writing now. ill try to keep it off puzzle pirates seeing as how.. well.. puzzle pirates will come later and is quite boring for those of you who have never experienced the piracy puzzle action.
So i went to acadec today and got a good deal of acadec in... holy shit i just realized im listening to the song still hurting, which will directly lead into something or other in this entry... but anywho, i went. and idk, kimberly seems very.. anti-social at me. now i know genevieve has been saying shes becoming rather snobby lately.. but huh.. no love. So i was kinda sad about that. So sad i was kinda jerkish at sunny. he didnt notice (i ♥ Sunny) but i apologized anyways. Then (ill skip past hours of puzzling.) i watched project runway when i got home (12AM is when i watched it there was lots of puzzling until this point) and i thought of calling kimberly for the first time they showed the new episode, but.. idk.. i felt kinda depressed and not in the mood to call her. Then i decided to come on LJ and carousing through my friends entries i just had to look at diane's pictures.

ooo oo oo , lemme back up. Earlier in the day while i was pillaging with calais, Diane imed me and asked me if i wanted to go to disney. when my days became free again. Now.. i was up for this, but i called jesus to make sure. This is a reenactment of the convo:

Mikko: Diane wants me to go to disney with her, what should i do?

Sosej: Well, after crash at the very bottom, its a lot easier to get back up.

Mikko: Thats true huh? maybe i do wannna crash to the bottom

Sosej: (interrupting) I dont wanna see you crash to the bottom man, but its up to you.

Mikko: Ok master Jesus of the Holy Clan, but i think i wanna crash to the bottom. I shall still keep your holy advice in mind.

Sosej: THats a good idea my son. Notice that i was able to capitalize both the T and H in THats, even though we are talking on the phone.. keep such magic in mind.

So i was gonna crash to the bottom. But then i came on LJ and saw Dianes pics....
Im not quite sure i wanna crash to the bottom anymore, it seems rather sad to go hang out with a friend that was a bitch and is now posting pics of her new... thing... or whatever.. Wow... see.. the Im Still Hurting thing came in.. I totally called it bitches.


Now for the Piracy.

Calais is a majorly elite player who i pillage with and used to make about 20k off of every pillage (about 5 times the ammount normally made on a pillage like that.) But lately bitches have not been listening to instructions and fucking up our pillages. This is not depressing, just stressful, cause i fucking pay my dues i deserve this fucking money.

Depressing part. My bnav is not quite as cool as i want it to be. My fucking bnav is not only inconsistent, but its been fucking depressing seeing people im better than me out naving me.. Imma kill some bitches if this continues.. its fucking infuriating.

My piracy problems arent important, but theyre stressing me the fuck out.



BTW. GET FUCKING SKYPE.. IT MAKES ME SO HAPPY TO USE!

Ok, as everyone knows ive been playing puzzle pirates not stop for like a gajillion hours a day. I dont sleep, i dont eat, and i dont shower. Well yeah i do, but not as much as i should. But finally, after a shitty week online a shitty day at home and a shitty beginning to a summer i have reached one of my goals.



IM A SENIOR OFFICER OF POLYNESIAN PILLAGERS!!!!

Im so fucking happy, Lani finally promoted me after i had told her that i needed a break from pillaging. She says i need to find the reason i play the game again. I need to totally chill out and just have fun. So what am i gonna do?


Have some fucking fun.

I think im just gonna play all the parlour games, maybe finally learn to play spades and hearts. Get my carp back up. IDK i just need a break from all the stressful ass shit ive been doing recently.

No email reply from kimberly.. the sadness and the doom. I think of her constantly, and i hope to god shes having a better time than steph who says the best part of her day is watching a kid play street fighter.


GOING TO SEE PIRATES THIS FRIDAY FUCK YEAH I FINALLY GET TO MAKE OUT WITH DANIEL AGAIN!!! W00T W00T!!!

First off, lemme say i made a mistake on that last post. It was only me and Carlos smoking, the rest of them watched and waited for me to do something stupid.

I had another dream a few days ago. Not so horrifying, just sorta... terrible. Anywho, kimberly looked weirder and she had a huge crush on Thang, and i was trying to get her to come back to me. How am i supposed to contend with Thang!?!?

Sarah got stranded in lomita so we hung out for a bit. I tried to seduce her, but alas i am not as hunky as her boyfriend. *sigh* o well, it was a half-hearted attempt, it would be weird to see sarah at school if i had indeed seduced her successfully. The awkwardness would continue.

Piracy is taking up my life. Im up till at least 4 everyday playing. Hell. Ivan is there now too. Its the addiction peoples... JOIN US.

Where the fuck is Alyssa, were supposed to hang out today. What a fucking flake, i guess ill go back to pirating.

Fair Winds.. from Slackjaw the Pirate.

Yes Folks the once Straight Edge friend you knew and loved is gone with the smoke of a rolled up joint.

Jose had a grad party and we went over played some halo watched some TV and listened to Mexican Ranchero Music, ahh the good times. Then we went to the carnival met up with Carlos and found out he was looking for a place to roll up and smoke a joint.

Shit i want in too...

Me Allison Moon Jesus Lopez Renier Mattias Scott Trieu and Xiaodong Huang went over to the swings while carlos rolled it up. We finally got it underway and i wasnt feeling it. Well, i forgot to inhale until the second joint.

I Didnt like it....

Maybe if you got effects without the burning sensation but it wasnt very enjoyable when you get the effects either. I just talk a lot more and at a faster pace with less spaces. So i wont be smoking anytime soon. Its not that great.

And on to the sub-story...

I had a dream. I was in a mob-mafia scenario. New York City - Central Park. I killed kimberly.

I slit her throat, i was in tears. And i realized what i had done, and then i just ran with her on the grass gasping for air. She hadnt died. Then during my flee i turned and saw a big mob boss man pull out a gun and shoot her in the head. When he shot her i became all seeing and it zoomed in on her as she was being shot. Then i joined the mob or something. I tried to blame the killing on the mob boss, but he had just put her outta her misery. The misery I caused her.

I woke up frightened beyond belief.

Lets just say i miss her. Even though its possible i never would have seen her if she had still been in the country, its nice to know shes around. Plus i woulda called her by now.

Im sending her a letter tomorrow and probably the day after that. Im going to keep away from the "Kimberly Manahan I LOVE YOU SO MUCH" and the "JESUS CHRIST COME BACK I NEED YOU!!!!"

Im pretty pathetic, but then again, im me. Hopefully i can get outta this hell hole that is addiction (to kimberly).

Damn it, i always say im gonna update but i never do. I even had stuff to talk about like why i hate andrew tippin and why... no thats it...

So ive been really depressed lately, and im pretty sure its because god has turned me into his little Charlie Brown just to see what happens. I swear to god theres a storm cloud following me around.

I saw Diane on tuesday and that was fun; it was the first time we've really hung out in like 3 months. It was just an awesome day.

But thats where it ended...

For some reason the next day everyone had to make remarks at or about kimberly regarding her sexually, or her hottness while in my presence.

I went to school early for once on wed, that was a mistake. Went to the science fair and walked around. Bumped into kimberly for the first time in like 5 days. I never see her anymore, and i really wish i could, but we all know that already. Eventually we found ourselves sitting on the MPR stage talking. She was laying down and Janelle (god sometimes i could just *makes violent motions* RAWR) made a comment at her saying how hot she looks, she then looked around shaking her head looking for approval. What am i supposed to say to that?!?!? "Yeah of course she looks hot" or "no i dont think so" UGH! THen i say, "and the worst part is she doesnt do it on purpose." MISTAKE! Janelle replys with "Maybe she does do it on purpose." GOD FUCKING DAMN IT WHY DOES GOD HATE ME!!?!?!?!?!

Then later on i was in M2 and Kimberly came in with Laura to pay for banquet money. I was talking to jacob and she eventually came over. she makes a comment that shes tired and jacob decides to make a sexual joke out of it. Yes i understand that is just Jacob being Jacob, but REALLY NOW?!?

Im pretty In Journalism, i felt like complete shit. I didnt want to do anything, i didnt want to talk to anyone. Nothing. For probably lunch until halfway through journalsim i was in practical tears. In fact a few fell in journalism, but i made it seem like nothing was wrong. No one saw the tears. Everyone kept asking me if i was ok, and i did the kimberly thing(how ironic) where i look up with a bright smile and say "everything is fine, im never sad." then theyd just walk away. I hate when she does that to me, cause i know, i know when shes sad, or angry, or in pain; it sucks she doesnt open up to me anymore.

Banquet rolls around and im practically waiting for kimberly to show up so i can talk to her. She comes in an hour later (no surprise) and i dart over and start talking to her. Then i compliment her and she says (as though im doing something horribly wrong) dont say things like that. She said it so fucking grimly. So i start going away for a bit. Let her (and me) breath a bit. Then i come back and we have a so-so conversation. Everytime she looks away or the conversation breaks, i look off for some reason. Doug mentions this and then i reply saying im never depressed and he should have nothing to worry about. He believed me. Kimberly then tells him that im always depressed, she must really not like me if she can say that, know the reason and not care. She offered to give me a ride home, and i definitely accpeted. It was probably the best 5 mins ive had with kimberly in ages. There was actual talking and it was interesting. Then we got to my house, and i had a suddenly urge to kiss her goodnight. She probably felt it so she like kicked me outta the car. No, really, she was like "Ok get out."I wouldnt have kissed her goodnight, but jeez cant a kid dream?

I woke up at 10 and realized my dad was downstairs. I woulda been in trouble if he had found out i was still sleeping so i couldnt leave until like 130, by then it was too late to go to school so i didnt until rehearsal for the Freshman Show. I feel like such a failure. I hate myself for being so fucking apathetic.

Then today Juston decided to tell me that kimberly and i shouldnt be together. He said it very randomly, and i now have a new reason to hate him. I actually started liking him for awhile.. god damn it...

Then kimberly is on, and i say a few things to her, and she seems like she doesnt care so im not gonna deal with it tonight.

Then daniel IMs me not knowing this is being written at the same moment with this: pianoguy345 (12:46:01 AM): ur gf is on
pianoguy345 (12:46:12 AM): diane
pianoguy345 (12:46:14 AM): lmao
Notice the timing of every IM.

Someone, anyone, shoot me. Really. I think if i died soon it would be much much better. No i dont want to kill myself, but if it happened, there would be no problems.

Wow its been a long update, seriously i need to come back here more often, i had stuff to talk about and now i cant remember it.. shit...

So i was trying to avoid kimberly last week, in fact, i wanted to do it for a very very long time. And i was doing fine, feeling miserable, walking different routes, hanging out with different less exciting, less good looking people. Life was miserable and thats how i knew it would be.

Then Laura asked if i wanted to go to Kimberly's B-day Party....

Kimberly asked if i was going...

How could i say no? It took a bit of convincing (about 5 min worth, and it was all from myself) but i went.

I HAD SO MUCH FUCKING FUN THERE, IT WAS RIDICULOUS!!!!!!! I met the Brandon and the Katie, CAMS kids. its days like those where i remember just how depressed i was before kimberly Manahan brightened life up.

And now i talk to Brandon Kerr online, real cool guy. Probably the sweetest/coolest person on the planet. I say sweet only because ive heard of the things hes done for this guy he is crushing on (the other guy is straight, but ive heard he has his moments of rainbow happiness; being straight is overrated anyways... make no judgements of me on this page assholes.) Talked to the Ben (Holtz) once again real cool guy. WHERE ARE ALL MY COOL FRIENDS?!?!? oo yeah, they got stoned and dropped outta school

After the party was prom (yes im going back to my original story now, deal with it infidels) Went to Monique's Aunt's house, real cool people, mom was nice, dad was silent
it was good times. Took some pics with monique, sang karaoke all night (monique and I split apart so we could mingle) met up with her at the end of the night. Apparently after we split up it went downhill for her.

Daniel came back and we hung out, basically just taking shots at each other.. me targeting elina, him targeting kimberly, good fucking times.
Me: (random japanese)
Him: was that japanese for "i love you kimberly and i wish you would return my phone calls.

Him: I could have had sex, i just chose not to.
Me: With Elina right, you coulda just pressured her into it...


I miss that fucker so goddamn much. We went to a movie, but that was boring since there was no talking. Conversations are key to every good relationship, which is why mine go downhill.

Rehersals today were awesome. I fell in love with kimberly just a bit more. She started talking to me about some personal stuff (no im not gonna say what it was, ill put myself on blast but things that i get from her are precious to me) Then i carried her around and tried to let her sleep on my but she declined. I fell a little more i love with her again today, and this time there was substance!!

Ugh what am i to do, i love her so much and i have no way of convincing her to love me back. *sigh*

"WELL ITS LOVE ITS LOVE ITS LOOOOVVVVEEEE MAKE IT HURRRRTTTTT"
AND
"THIS NIGHT WONT MAKE A DIFFERENCE"
- Taking Back Sunday